- How long I've been breastfeeding. Ah! This info always goes right next to your name and age, as if... it's as important to your identity? Fuh realsies? And then you write GOLD for a year and PLATINUM for...three? Fifteen? No idea. Don't care. Please please find a non-boob-related hobby.
- What kind of diapers I use. Again. What I use to soak up my baby's bio fluids is going to be one of the top ways I introduce myself? Help! Minds are being lost here!
- How and where my kid sleeps. Is this because Dr. Sears told us all that cribs are like prisons? And so we're explaining to the peanut gallery how we don't condone babies in jail? (Prisons!) (He's never watched OITNB, clearly.)
All this self-worth-from-very-specific-parenting-choices is coming from a very weird place that did not exist 200 years ago. No one cared what the hell you did regarding NAPS back then.
In addition:
Almost without fail, the people who DO feel the urgent need to say they've nursed for 134 years and birthed their 9 children in a cabin without electricity or running water are the harshest people on these forums. Whenever someone, usually a first time mom, tentatively asks (first mistake, newbie! Don't ask random Internet strangers!) if maybe they could put their baby down for a nap so that they themselves might nap or drink hot coffee with both hands or just have their body to themselves for 20 minutes .... these moms come out in full force (do they have Google alerts set up for these sleep deprived searches?) saying:
It's unnatural to put baby down/they would have died in the caveman days/you can get ANYTHING done with baby attached to you/babies will become homeless if not carried/it's EASY to carry a baby all the time are you SURE you really wanted to be a mother?
How I wish I were kidding.
Guys. I've just had it with all this bizarre, militantly crunchy bragging followed by fear mongering. And listen! I do alllllllll the crunchy things (refuse to list them!) and still need this to go away yesterday. It's just a nuanced way to shame other women, another way to bring down someone who's fighting the good fight. Maybe I'm supposed to ignore the forum bullies, tell myself it's insecurity on their part and it's harmless. But I don't feel like it is.
I used to think all these details (breastfeeding vs formula vs cribs vs beds vs strollers vs woven wraps) were more important than they really are, so I get it. I get how identifying as an Attachment Parent Who Is Anti Crying It Out can feel like the only thing to hold onto in the nebulous web of motherhood. But let's be cooler than this, ladies. Let's show the world we've got much more on our minds than how we feed and diaper our kids. And hey, when that is what's on our minds -- because inevitably, sometimes it just is -- let's listen to each other and let's be a bit openminded and a lot bit kind. Because can't we all agree that's more important than the rest of it?
200 years ago? It didn't even exist 20 years ago! Can you imagine our mothers discussing the effects us sleeping in cribs?! My brother literally slept in a cardboard box when he was a baby. I've seen pictures. Ain't no shame.
ReplyDeleteI generally avoid parenting forums because I'd rather ask people I know and trust for parenting advice than random strangers (who could potentially be total nutsos who don't even have kids), but you totally had me cracking up about the signatures. So so so true!
I often feel such envy for my mom and how she wasn't constantly barraged with online stuff... So much weird, conflicting advice and then there's the pressure of Pinterest and blah blah. It's all too much! But so hard to avoid.
DeleteAnd yes, I take all online commentary with a grain of salt and much prefer real people convos, but it CAN be really helpful in the middle of the night when you just want a simple "of course it's okay to put your kid down to maintain your sanity!' But that's so weirdly hard to find!!
Very well said. :) This just confirms to me why I have the friends I do...people are cray.
ReplyDelete