But it was a good one -- and for that I am happy. Just want to remind myself that good days will happen -- they are happening -- and they'll continue to happen more and more.
And today's good day is ending with clean sheets, an oatmeal raisin cookie, and season 2 of Broad City. Oh and a heating pad on my back. Mmmm, says Jessica Fletcher. The street and neighboring apartment lights shine in just right and cheer up my bedroom and zzzz asleep by 9:00.
Monday, January 19, 2015
Friday, January 16, 2015
Hodge podge
a) Harper has been having some of her happiest moments the past month. As in, she's just really enjoying life -- cheerful and silly and easygoing and sleeping well and all that. I'm trying to piece together exactly why (because, hey, there have been some big changes, yo) and I think one of the biggest reasons is: no school. Ha? And I don't think it's really no school-no school, but rather...no Waldorf school. Yeah, I may have been torturing my indoor kid with a lot of outdoor time. I'll write a separate post on this.
b) She just started ballet here in Brooklyn and is loving it. For me, it's so fun to be able to walk her to her class and to peer through the window with Bea and watch a real ballerina type teach her real choreography. She's a tiny bit young for this class, but because she's pretty durn good (if I do say so myself?) I just said ENOUGH with the endless "pre-dance"/"creative movement" stuff and put her into Ballet 1. So, so much better.
c) Bea will be a year next month and I want to start weaning her soon, but I don't know how. Instead of slowly losing interest as she gets busier (and dear lord is she busy), lately she's been getting more and more into nursing? No no, dear. Harper abruptly stopped at 9.5 months and never looked back, but that ain't gon' happen. Online people talk about "slowly moving from 4 feedings to 3 to 2 to 1" and I'm all... but what if you have, say, 15 feedings? I wish I were joking.
d) I'm super sad that Rory Gilmore slept with married Dean and now is continuing stuff with him... (I like to pretend this is all happening real time instead of 10 years ago, shhhh.)
e) I want to be a runner because, well, it's f-r-e-e and because I live near a great promenade/running zone, but I guess I don't know when I'd run? And also it's very cold, so this is not a good time to start perhaps. Should I just do workout DVDs until spring? Because I'm not really in the mood. I kind of wanna put on Taylor Swift and run (shuffle) in a straight flat line. Tell me your thoughts on this.
f) There is a man in my building who I'm always in the elevator with and no matter what I do or say or smile or laugh his face is a stone statue of despair and anger and nothingness. I have so many stories in my head of why in the world? But he's probably just hungry.
b) She just started ballet here in Brooklyn and is loving it. For me, it's so fun to be able to walk her to her class and to peer through the window with Bea and watch a real ballerina type teach her real choreography. She's a tiny bit young for this class, but because she's pretty durn good (if I do say so myself?) I just said ENOUGH with the endless "pre-dance"/"creative movement" stuff and put her into Ballet 1. So, so much better.
c) Bea will be a year next month and I want to start weaning her soon, but I don't know how. Instead of slowly losing interest as she gets busier (and dear lord is she busy), lately she's been getting more and more into nursing? No no, dear. Harper abruptly stopped at 9.5 months and never looked back, but that ain't gon' happen. Online people talk about "slowly moving from 4 feedings to 3 to 2 to 1" and I'm all... but what if you have, say, 15 feedings? I wish I were joking.
d) I'm super sad that Rory Gilmore slept with married Dean and now is continuing stuff with him... (I like to pretend this is all happening real time instead of 10 years ago, shhhh.)
e) I want to be a runner because, well, it's f-r-e-e and because I live near a great promenade/running zone, but I guess I don't know when I'd run? And also it's very cold, so this is not a good time to start perhaps. Should I just do workout DVDs until spring? Because I'm not really in the mood. I kind of wanna put on Taylor Swift and run (shuffle) in a straight flat line. Tell me your thoughts on this.
f) There is a man in my building who I'm always in the elevator with and no matter what I do or say or smile or laugh his face is a stone statue of despair and anger and nothingness. I have so many stories in my head of why in the world? But he's probably just hungry.
Saturday, January 10, 2015
Adventuretime
I think the strangest part of this whole new...adventure is that I forget all the time that I'm actually on an adventure. It's not that I'm expecting Clay to waltz in from work or I wake up and reach over to find the bed empty beside me (the richest of cinematic cliches). No, it's more that I'm just chug a chugging all the time and I forget to remember to look at my situation from the outside. Is that even wise to do? Like, WOAH WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME IN RELATION TO TIME AND SPACE AND SOCIAL MEDIA?
I rarely do because when I do it doesn't really achieve anything. I have a quick stab of anxiety ("holy shit, I'm alone in this city apartment with two girls and I'm single and this is so, so strange and how much pizza should I order for one?") but then I'll think something else ("there are women who are shoved from their home at gunpoint and forced to walk through the desert for a thousand miles barefoot carrying their children") and then I'm like oh shhhh self, I'm good.
I guess when it hits hardest is when I meet somebody from the building and they'll be
"I'm Erin! And this is Frank! And these are our kids Fancy Silly Name and Fancy Silly Name! Who are you guys?"
and I'm all
"I'm Amy and this is Harper and Bea! ________"
And I pause and in my head where Husband Person's name should be the pause is 7,000 hours long and filled with the weight of 10 planets. But really it's only a few seconds and soon everyone is smiling and putting on our hats and walking separate directions down the sidewalk.
I'm glad I'm so busy. I'm delighted I have my two delicious daughters. I'm lucky I want for nothing right now -- and I mean that. (Okay okay, I want more sleep. I'M TALKING TO YOU, BEA.)
Because truly, there isn't time to analyze what's happening other than when I'm alone for a bit before falling asleep and there isn't time to write a whole weird narrative or decide what other people are thinking about me or worry if I'll end up with seven cats and a scrapbook of my favorite Cathy cartoons. There's only time to get on with it all -- wash my hair and play Sorry with Harper and rub Bea's belly and walk to the grocery store for milk... and definitely some chocolate.
I rarely do because when I do it doesn't really achieve anything. I have a quick stab of anxiety ("holy shit, I'm alone in this city apartment with two girls and I'm single and this is so, so strange and how much pizza should I order for one?") but then I'll think something else ("there are women who are shoved from their home at gunpoint and forced to walk through the desert for a thousand miles barefoot carrying their children") and then I'm like oh shhhh self, I'm good.
I guess when it hits hardest is when I meet somebody from the building and they'll be
"I'm Erin! And this is Frank! And these are our kids Fancy Silly Name and Fancy Silly Name! Who are you guys?"
and I'm all
"I'm Amy and this is Harper and Bea! ________"
And I pause and in my head where Husband Person's name should be the pause is 7,000 hours long and filled with the weight of 10 planets. But really it's only a few seconds and soon everyone is smiling and putting on our hats and walking separate directions down the sidewalk.
I'm glad I'm so busy. I'm delighted I have my two delicious daughters. I'm lucky I want for nothing right now -- and I mean that. (Okay okay, I want more sleep. I'M TALKING TO YOU, BEA.)
Because truly, there isn't time to analyze what's happening other than when I'm alone for a bit before falling asleep and there isn't time to write a whole weird narrative or decide what other people are thinking about me or worry if I'll end up with seven cats and a scrapbook of my favorite Cathy cartoons. There's only time to get on with it all -- wash my hair and play Sorry with Harper and rub Bea's belly and walk to the grocery store for milk... and definitely some chocolate.
Sunday, January 4, 2015
Suddenly Susan! I mean single.
Especially because I'm going to go into, oh... zero details, this is an awkward post to draft. But I wanted to send a note into the cyber zone that with this new year comes many new things.
1) Brooklyn! (I love it.)
then 2)... and oh, 2) is the big one.
2) I'm getting a divorce.
Woah.
That looks insane typed out.
Important facts: I'm okay. And so are the girls (and all of us for that matter.) Clay and I are going to co-parent in Brooklyn and make it work for those tiny nuggets. It's hard to explain without explaining, but the worst is behind me and there's only hope ahead.
I'm going to use this space to talk about single-mama-in-the-city stuff for suuuure, but not divorce stuff. I know you understand.
Weird, right? Super weird. But such is life sometimes.
I feel scared/worried/nauseated sometimes -- but I also feel buoyant. And peaceful. And me.
Here's to a wonderful year.
1) Brooklyn! (I love it.)
then 2)... and oh, 2) is the big one.
2) I'm getting a divorce.
Woah.
That looks insane typed out.
Important facts: I'm okay. And so are the girls (and all of us for that matter.) Clay and I are going to co-parent in Brooklyn and make it work for those tiny nuggets. It's hard to explain without explaining, but the worst is behind me and there's only hope ahead.
I'm going to use this space to talk about single-mama-in-the-city stuff for suuuure, but not divorce stuff. I know you understand.
Weird, right? Super weird. But such is life sometimes.
I feel scared/worried/nauseated sometimes -- but I also feel buoyant. And peaceful. And me.
Here's to a wonderful year.
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