I think the strangest part of this whole new...adventure is that I forget all the time that I'm actually on an adventure. It's not that I'm expecting Clay to waltz in from work or I wake up and reach over to find the bed empty beside me (the richest of cinematic cliches). No, it's more that I'm just chug a chugging all the time and I forget to remember to look at my situation from the outside. Is that even wise to do? Like, WOAH WHAT'S HAPPENING TO ME IN RELATION TO TIME AND SPACE AND SOCIAL MEDIA?
I rarely do because when I do it doesn't really achieve anything. I have a quick stab of anxiety ("holy shit, I'm alone in this city apartment with two girls and I'm single and this is so, so strange and how much pizza should I order for one?") but then I'll think something else ("there are women who are shoved from their home at gunpoint and forced to walk through the desert for a thousand miles barefoot carrying their children") and then I'm like oh shhhh self, I'm good.
I guess when it hits hardest is when I meet somebody from the building and they'll be
"I'm Erin! And this is Frank! And these are our kids Fancy Silly Name and Fancy Silly Name! Who are you guys?"
and I'm all
"I'm Amy and this is Harper and Bea! ________"
And I pause and in my head where Husband Person's name should be the pause is 7,000 hours long and filled with the weight of 10 planets. But really it's only a few seconds and soon everyone is smiling and putting on our hats and walking separate directions down the sidewalk.
I'm glad I'm so busy. I'm delighted I have my two delicious daughters. I'm lucky I want for nothing right now -- and I mean that. (Okay okay, I want more sleep. I'M TALKING TO YOU, BEA.)
Because truly, there isn't time to analyze what's happening other than when I'm alone for a bit before falling asleep and there isn't time to write a whole weird narrative or decide what other people are thinking about me or worry if I'll end up with seven cats and a scrapbook of my favorite Cathy cartoons. There's only time to get on with it all -- wash my hair and play Sorry with Harper and rub Bea's belly and walk to the grocery store for milk... and definitely some chocolate.
Sigh. Gmail hates me. Eats all my comments. Let's try again shall we?
ReplyDeleteYou. Are. Strong. Your outlook is something I don't think I would have yet. Perspective is good. It can definitely provide clarity, but sometimes its also good to go all Veruca Salt and stamp your foot and declare life not fair, you know? I have a feeling you've earned a moment or two like that. I'm someone who puts all my pain in a box and then outs it on the shelf...so what do I know?
As for your 'how much pizza do I order for one?' Conundrum; I'm no help. I think I can eat more pizza than the average person because I lack self control when it comes to pizza. maybe someday well meet and split a pie, and have a chat., (and I'll eat all your leftovers) :)
Keep on chugging lady friend.
Lynn